I'm Not As Thunk As You Drink I Am
by Summer Sweet
Summary: Dark and Krad get drunk. Shounen ai and limey yaoi insues. Yes, it's pointless -- isn't everything?


Okay, I think I know where this sudden fic inspiration is coming from - a vested interest to procrastinate in Hen~!. Every time I sit down to work on chapter six, I suddenly get this great idea for a fic that simply will not leave me alone. ~_~ Either that, or I get totally sidetracked playing some game or something.  
  
I suspect it will worsen once my PSX!Tales of Phantasia game arrives. _  
  
In any case, I have no idea where the hell this came from, except that it came with every intention of making me drop everything and write it. And it succeeded. Enjoy.  
  
*  
  
Saehara Takeshi was trying to think.  
  
This task was made somewhat difficult by the alcohol clouding his mind. It was probably for the best, because if his brain had been functioning normally, he probably would have noticed the two strange men slouched in a table, by the corner of the bar.  
  
The blonde one, the one with the ponytail, had his face half-in his drink, while the other one, who had the most amazing purple hair, laughed hysterically at him. They both seemed very familiar, and Takeshi was pretty sure there was something strange about the big white wings coming out of the blonde's back, but he couldn't quite put his finger on any of it...  
  
He frowned and tried to remember where he was. He had vague memories of hearing about some bar having an 'opening special', and then of dragging a couple of his friends over, but everything after that was blank. Oh well. Didn't really matter much, anyway, he supposed.  
  
Cheerfully, he pushed Keiji off his lap and wondered where Daisuke'd gone. And Hiwatari. Hadn't he been here, too? Somebody pushed another drink in front of him, and Takeshi decided what the hell, they could take care of themselves.  
  
*  
  
"Shaddup."  
  
"I caaan't! You jush look sho FUNNY like that!" Dark cackled some more and nearly fell out of his chair. "Whee!"  
  
Krad glared at him. "I can still win, you know."  
  
"Nope!" he declared, with an idiotic grin. "NOBODY can drink more than the guuurreat Dark Moushy! You shoulda -" He hiccuped a few times. "- guesshed dat by now!"  
  
"I'm not beaten yet," he growled, and tried to pick up his cup again. His hand didn't seem to want to work right, though.  
  
"Bwahahaha! You'll never -- *hic* -- win!"  
  
"This is SABOTAGE!" Krad screeched, glaring at his hand. "It's all YOUR fault! How could you do this to me?! I don't believe it! I've been BETRAYED by my own BODY!" He slapped it viciously against the table. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."  
  
"You know," Dark said, staring intently at the offending hand, "I never notished it before, but..."  
  
"Wha?" he snapped, still sending it evil looks.  
  
"You look like a woman."  
  
"WHAAA?!"  
  
"No, really. You look like a lady." The thief tilted his head and squinted. "A real purdy lady. I think ish the hair."  
  
"I like my hair," he protested. "It's hairy!"  
  
"Hey," he continued, peering closer, "take your hair off for a minute."  
  
"Um. Okie-dokie." Krad tugged at his bangs. "Won't come off."  
  
"Then move it for jusht a minute. Wanna see shomething." Dark grabbed his ponytail and twisted it to the side, then shook his head and released it. "Nope. You shtill look like a woman."  
  
"Maybe I am a woman," the blonde said, in a moment of inspiration.  
  
"Naah! Ladies are purdy."  
  
"You don't think I'm pretty?" Krad pouted. "You're meeean."  
  
Dark blinked. "Well...I dunno. Maybe you are. But ladies are shupposed to have...have...stchuff on their chests. Those lumpy thingsh. You got those lumpy thingsh?"  
  
He patted his chest experimentally. "Eh. No. Not really."  
  
"Shee? You ain't a woman. You're too flat."  
  
"Who're you callin' flat?! You're flatter'n me!"  
  
"Well, I'm SHUPPOSED to be! I'm a dude!"  
  
"Are you sure about that?!"  
  
"I'm *pretty* shure."  
  
"But you're not sure-sure, are you?"  
  
"Eh...well, dudes alsho have these thingsh between deir legs..." Dark snickered. "This one dude I know...real wuss, y'shee...ish real small. But..." He looked down. "Yup. I'm a dude."  
  
Krad smiled and nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I remember that! Guess I'm not a woman, then." He thought for a moment. "Yeah. Think I like women, 'ctually...not too sure 'bout that."  
  
"Mebbe. Yeah, me too. Are you shure you're not a woman? 'Cause I think you're purdy. Are guysh allowed to think other guysh are purdy?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, definitely. Satoshi-sama does it all the time."  
  
"Yeah. Well. He'sh a real crreeeeeeepy kid, if ya know what I mean. Not too shure I wanna take exshamples from him." Dark scowled. "Not too shure I wan' Dai-chan hangin' around him either."  
  
"Eh, come off it. Satoshi-sama's a good kid. He's just...eh...misunderstood."  
  
"Mishundershtood, my ash."  
  
"Such a nice ass, it is, though." Krad grinned. "You look funny when you're mad. Your face gets all scrunched up'n stuff."  
  
"Oh YEAH? Well, I bet you look even funnier when YOU'RE mad."  
  
"Prove it."  
  
"Okie! Fine! ...What makesh you mad?"  
  
"Well, I don't like it when Satoshi-sama thinks about Niwa."  
  
"Um, well, guesh what! He'sh, eh, thinking about Dai-chan!"  
  
"I'm drunk, Dark, not stupid."  
  
"Damn. Well, what elsh makesh you mad?"  
  
"You."  
  
"Oh." Dark waved at him. "Hiiii! Ish me!"  
  
Krad snorted. "That's just pathetic."  
  
He frowned, apparently deep in thought. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Yeah! I know what'll make you mad!"  
  
And with that, he leaned over and kissed him.  
  
It wasn't a very *good* kiss, and it tasted like some horrible mix of vodka and car oil, but it served its purpose - Krad gave him a good punch in the face for his trouble. In the back of his drunken mind, he remembered something about being able to throw energy blasts, but he figured a punch was just as good.  
  
"There," said Dark, more triumphantly than he should have. "I *knew* that would get you mad."  
  
"Please don't do that again," he advised, sitting back down and folding his wings haughtily. "It was very unwelcome."  
  
"Sh'not that bad of a kissher, am I?"  
  
"Yes, actually."  
  
"Aw, c'mon, don't be rude. Lemme try again."  
  
"No."  
  
"Pleashe?"  
  
"NO. In fact, I don't even know why I'm sitting here with you and being all giggly when I can be out doing...oh, I don't know, stealing candy from toddlers and jaywalking, I suppose! Just general evil stuff! In fact, I think I'll kill you now. Goodbye."  
  
"You don't really mean that."  
  
"Try me."  
  
"Okie." He kissed him again. This time, Krad - who was definitely starting to sober up - remembered that thing about energy blasts, but before he could figure out how to use them, Dark pulled away and looked thoughtful. "Yaa. You're not bad. Unreshponshive, but sh'not that bad."  
  
The blonde stared at him. "You know, if I wasn't completely and utterly sloshed right now, you would be in *pieces* on the floor. Little TINY pieces. Little tiny PIECES of pieces."  
  
Dark giggled. "'Shloshed'. Shat's a funny word. Shloshy shloshy, shloshity shloshity shlosh!"  
  
Krad banged his head against the table. "Why am I here, anyway?"  
  
"Dunno, but'cha look kinda upshet. Here, have another drink."  
  
"No. I'm just going to get even more drunk, and then who knows what'll happen?! I'll probably end up sleeping with you!"  
  
"Geeshe, don't be shuch a tight-arshe. Drink the damn stchuff. Sh'not bad."  
  
"Well...fine. Maybe just one more drink."  
  
*  
  
Daisuke woke up with a hangover. That, of course, was not his biggest problem.  
  
His biggest problem was when he rolled over in bed and came face-to-face with Satoshi.  
  
"Oh. Crap."  
  
Satoshi simply stared at him in the same creepy way he always did. "Good morning."  
  
All he could do was sputter.  
  
"You - you - I - oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..." Daisuke began to twitch. //Dark?//  
  
/G'way. Head hurts./  
  
//Dark, I'm only going to ask you one question.//  
  
/What?/  
  
//WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!//  
  
/I don't remember./  
  
//Think, Dark. Last night...Saehara...bar...alcohol...what happened?!//  
  
/Er...you got drunk./  
  
//And?//  
  
/Turned into me./  
  
//...And?//  
  
/So did the creepy boy. Except he turned into Krad, not me. Wouldn't that be weird if he did? I think I'd -/  
  
//What happened after that?//  
  
/Er...I think we got drunk, too. It's kind of a blur after that./  
  
//...You and Krad got drunk...//  
  
/So? At least we didn't kill each other./  
  
//You and Krad SLEPT TOGETHER?!//  
  
/We did?/  
  
//You. Slept. With. Krad.//  
  
/Well, whaddya you know, I did!/  
  
//Dark, I'm serious.//  
  
/Are you, now?/  
  
//...and you're hungover, aren't you.//  
  
/Gee. One has to wonder./  
  
During this little conversation, Satoshi had silently gotten out of bed, picked his clothes up off the floor, and headed off to the bathroom. It wasn't until he'd exited, fully dressed and with his glasses firmly placed on the bridge of his nose, that Daisuke noticed this.  
  
"Er," he said wittily.  
  
Satoshi smirked at him. "See you tomorrow, Niwa."  
  
And then he walked out.  
  
*  
  
- O w a t t a -  
  
*  
  
Thanks to B, who claims he beta-ed this, but really just sat there and played video games while I wrote. ~_~ Zan~nen. Thanks for your help, d00de. =___=;; 


End file.
